THE CYCLE BEGINS!
As the 10th cycle of the show opens, we are treated to highlights of nine catfights, eight terrible makeovers (…at least they ADMIT it…), seven stressful medical emergencies, six scary runway spills, five fierce plus-size models, four high-flying photo shoots, three critter encounters, two amazing “J’s”, and one 'America’s Next Top Model'. Whew!THE ARRIVAL
A busload of rowdy chicks, uh, I mean the shuttle of model wannabes, arrive at a courtyard acting like they don’t know who will show up to greet them. You know, because they’ve never seen the show before. The two J’s walk out, Jay Manuel, and the divine Miss J. The girls scream. They are welcomed to 'Top Model' Prep School, and told they will be competing to make the grade to be chosen as one of the 13 girls to move on to the competition. They scream again. The girls are told to advance to a locker room, put on the Charm School uniforms and get their photo ID taken. Again, they scream. The pictures are taken, and then Miss J evaluates them on their walk, as they carry a heavy backpack. After the disastrous runway session, they are taken to a football stadium, where they see cheerleaders in the form of prior contestants. Thankfully, we are saved from a “what are you doing now” mockumentary. They cheer and move on. Then, Homecoming Queen Tyra jumps onstage through a banner, all dolled up in running mascara and overly dramatic makeup and hair, and tells the girls that the show is moving to New York, so they need to get ready to wow the judges. Again, the girls scream. Did I mention some of these girls look like dudes?AN ECCLECTIC MIX AT BEST
It’s time for the girls to prance before the judges individually in both street clothes and swimwear. Some of them make the mistake of talking, even though I know they have to. The best way to describe this year’s crop is eclectic. There’s Marvita, a 23 yr old Chris Rock look-alike that brings baggage and fighting skills. She was dismissed last season during the final roundup, and since then she’s been in therapy every Tuesday to make sure she keeps her hands to herself. Uh huh. There is Fatima, who gets quite a bit of air time telling us of her circumcision in Somalia and how her cause is to bring awareness to what is still happening to young girls there today. She is very humble in front of the J’s and Tyra. In front of the viewing audience, however, she calls out quite a few of the girls for being ghetto and referring to themselves as bitches. Mainly….Shaya, who thinks she is God’s gift to the modeling world and claims to be Muhammad Ali’s niece. She doesn’t say whether that means he’s her mother or father’s brother, or if he’s Uncle Ali from down the street that all the kids call uncle. Either way, it doesn’t work in her favor after she opens her mouth and the ghetto flows out.Lauren is this season’s Adrienne Curry. She can barely speak. She can barely walk. She doesn’t have any grace at all, and Miss J says she walks like she has no circulation in her feet. And she looks so….unkempt to put it mildly. There’s one every season. We get Shalynda, homegirl “from the D to the C” (Washington DC for those of us who don’t rap), who has auditioned eight times. This is as far as she’s made it, and Miss J says that the eighth time may be the charm. Tyra say maybe not. Stacy-Ann is the giddiest, giggliest want-to-be-giving-a-lap dance honey child to grace the stage. She was married at 17, not because she was pregnant, but because she was in love. And she really wants to sing “doo doo doo” and give a lap dance before she dies. Although her husband would probably want to be the recipient, the J’s give her the chance in an embarrassingly awkward sequence. Where is Nigel when you need him? Aimee #1 is on the show despite her strict Mormon upbringing. No chastity belt in site for her. Kim, who does not want to be stereotyped as a dumb blonde, but actually comes across as one, doesn’t even speak at first. Then it dawns on her she should at least say something. She says she’s a bank teller. When Tyra asks if she’s ever taken any money, she answers “yes.” Then she says, “Oh, you mean like stealing? Lord no! That’s a federal offense!” And she wants to major in psychology one day.
Claire is a wife and mother who is still breastfeeding. In fact, she overshares that she’s drinking her own milk to keep the juices flowing. Guess she never thought of letting it run out in the shower…I still don’t understand Anya. She is from Hawaii, but has some kind of accent or speech impediment that comes from too much surf. She calls it rocker chick. I call it confused. Allison says she’s not going back to her little hick town in Wisconsin. Amy #2 is just a little too happy. She’s a self-confessed weirdo, as is evident when she offers to show the other girls her pubic hair. Which supermodels don’t have. Whitney says she’s the plus-size model to beat. She says she has the attitude and drive the other plus-size models didn’t have. Uh, has she ever even heard of Tocorra? Jenna is the most confusing, with her Boston/New York/Ghetto dialect and conversation geared only toward tricking out her Chevy Impala SS. Or is the correct lingo “trickin’?”
As the girls await their turn in front of the judges, the discussion turns to marriage and babies. Fatima breaks down and admits that she cannot ever get married because she can’t have sex with a man due to the procedure. Everyone in the house immediately embraces her and gives her sympathy, even Shaya, “D to the C,” and Marvita, who originally wanted to bitch slap her. Katarzyna, Dominique and Atalya don’t get as much air time, but they did make it to the top 35.
